Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Hat trick of failure

We received our third negative result tonight.

I know we, and I'm pretty sure our friends, are tired of hearing the same old story. There's only so many times and ways people can commiserate with you about your unmet expectations. There's only so many times you really want to hear that something you imagined might never materialise.

I realise it's not the end of the world, and that heaps of other people have been in the same situation, and that there's plenty of time for more attempts. Nonetheless, it's a very hopeless and impotent feeling we're left with today.

I know I (GB) am struggling with the absolutely unverifiable trust that is implicit in this process. It doesn't sit well with my personality or background. And the issues our clinic is inflicting on us compound those feelings. I feel backed into a corner, financially and personally, and I wish it weren't so.

As before, time will pass and things will seem substantially less dire.  But, for the time being, I'm just really disappointed.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

So are we pregnant?

Well your guess is as good as ours!

I'm writing from a pretty angry place right now as SI advised us, only after we e-mailed this morning asking when our test results would be available, that the bHCG would only be done today.  The test was supposed to be performed on Saturday.

No e-mail, no phone call - no chance of knowing why there has been a delay unless we e-mailed them to ask what was going on.  And even then, it was a simple one liner late this afternoon saying it will be done today and the result would be provided tomorrow.

And this is what our normal experience has been like with SI since June.  No consideration, no care and no communication.  I recognise the massive opportunity we have being able to access surrogacy in India but we are beginning to face the stark realisation that we have made a monumental fuck up by choosing SI.  From all I've read on other blogs, there are more things to worry about in the process than whether or not the people trying to help you have a baby 1. care, or 2. will bother communicating with you once they have the money deposited.  And really, communication issues are just the tip of the iceberg and leads me to concerns about the other people involved - our surrogate.

Most people experience the emotional highs and lows of surrogacy arising from their attempt at getting pregnant and watching the pregnancy develop.  I feel that we now have the additional burden that if we did get pregnant tomorrow that we have to face with this level(?) of support for a further 8 months.

Over the last few months I refrained from criticising our clinic, thinking the culture is different and our expectations need to be adjusted - and they have.  But the truth is basic communication and consideration are business fundamentals in any country and they are simply not present here.  It is very isolating to feel this way as there are limited options of venting the level of frustration we're experiencing.  Generally family and friends don't understand fully what you're going through, and close friends, while being endlessly supportive, always play the role of trying to keep you positive.  There's no surrogacy ombudsmen, no regulator and no chance that things will improve in the near future for us.

 I read blogs about people going through SCI and can't believe how lucky they are to have a clinic who can communicate effectively and actually talk to them after a negative result.  Following our final bHCG test on our last attempt - there was no correspondence from SI at all until we approached them about another attempt 6 weeks later.  I don't expect a full blow by blow dissection of the what happened from FET to HCG result - but I did expect a phone call or e-mail - saying something along the lines of "We're sorry your received a negative result.  When you're ready to move forward and discuss your approach please contact us and we can have a chat."  We suggested this after our first negative, but alas it has fallen on deaf ears.

I'll end there because as cathartic as this is, I could probably go on for hours.  So thanks for listening and tomorrow we prod again to remind them to send our result...but I can't say at this point in time I'm overly optimistic about the outcome.


Saturday, October 27, 2012

The only time weekends suck

Tonight, I'm looking forward to a comfy night in while the rain buckets down outside and GB heads off to a music concert.  The movie is ordered through Apple TV and pizza should be on its way anytime soon.  So I thought I'd scribe a blog entry while I wait, listening to the familiar sounds of Gardening Australia on the TV in the background.

Our SM should have had her beta HCG test today to find out if she's pregnant.  Based on past experience, SI wont have the results to us until Monday as their office is closed on a Sunday.  Hence the title of the blog.  As if the 2WW isn't enough, timing would have it that we have to wait an extra day.  Needless to say, we're fairly experienced with this part of the process being the 3rd transfer and all.

Over the last week, I've reflected on the last 12 months since we made the decision to undergo surrogacy through India.  I must admit, the optimist and naivety in me expected that we'd be pregnant by now.  Although financially we prepared for the worst case scenario that it wouldn't happen on the first attempt, I don't think we ever actually thought we would be at our 3rd attempt and the prospect that that too, might come back negative.

I think I have read nearly every surrogacy blog out there and the backstory to everyone who has successfully gone through the process.  Although statistically someone will always get pregnant on the first attempt - which happened quite a bit on the blogs I've read - I was hoping we wouldn't be in the group that still aren't pregnant after 3 attempts.  I have to admit, I'm kinda numb to the whole transfer process these days.  The only thing at the moment that elicits any level of emotion is opening up the financial tracking spreadsheet to see how much we've spent and how much longer we can continue.  It's not the emotion we are really wanting to experience at this stage in the journey.  I am unable to get excited at all about the process as it seems so fraught with disappointment and with odds stacked against you.  Add on top of that continuing "communication" and "integrity" issues with our clinic and I am green with reading some of the other blogs out there of those who are pregnant and have a clinic who, or at least seem to, give a shit.

I continue to rationalise in my head that at some point it will change.  I am just hoping that change will come before we the dollars run out.

So here's hoping Ms. V has worked a major miracle and has a jelly bean growing inside her.  The Veuve is still sitting there quietly, waiting to be opened with the news eventually comes.

Reading back - this entry is a little on the negative side, so I will remain upbeat and end on a positive note.  The Melbourne flat has now gone unconditional and will settle in mid November which is a great relief.  My sister and nephews (including the one who predicted that we would have a little boy back in our third post) are visiting next week which I am very excited about.  I'm hoping my nephew will be able to give us an update on when the baby might be coming....As soon as I know, I'll let you guys know too!

That's the door - a gastronomic distraction from the blogging and surrogacy world awaits.  Until the next exciting(?) installment....


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Deja vu?

Okay - so we're back in the 2WW again for the third time.

We received e-mail confirmation on Tuesday that our embryo transfer occurred on Monday 15th October.

3 buns were put in the oven, all Grade 1, with 1 x 4 cell, 1 x 8 cell and 1 x compacting.

We have also just received the news that some of our friends received the fantastic news that their little one arrived on Tuesday night and have since flown out to Mumbai to meet their new bub.  Congratulations boys!  We look forward to meeting the little tyke once you get back.

The good news keeps coming with an offer being made on our flat in Melbourne - which we have accepted.  So things are looking good at the moment after a very trying few months, both on the Surrogacy front and with some quite unsettling times at work following major restructuring.  Thankfully, we're not directly affected, but the number of colleagues and staff has certainly created an air of low morale, angst and unhappiness - as you would expect! 

Sydney was a great break and we really enjoyed the time out.  The downside was coming back to reality - but there's plenty to look forward to in the next few months and we're hoping that we can add a pregnancy into things to look forward to.

So for now, we wait until 27/28/29 October we we'll get the result of the bHCG test.

Fingers and toes people....fingers and toes!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Change Tack

Well after two unsuccessful attempts, we've decided to consider our options in moving forward.

After 2 attempts with the same surrogate using GB's embryos, we've decided to change tack and try a new surrogate with my (LC's) embryos.

On Saturday, it was confirmed that our new choice of surrogate was available and that the transfer was likely to take place around the 20th of October.  The SM is a proven surrogate along with having two children of her own - so we're hoping that this helps our chances of becoming pregnant this time round.

So it's just a matter of waiting until then.

We're looking forward to going to Sydney next weekend for a much needed break from the goings on of life to date.  Work for both of us has been kinda crazy of late, and with the continued home renovations and the ups and downs of the surrogacy process, a mini escape will be just the ticket.

So we wish all those out there trying good luck and those already pregnant a safe and happy delivery of your new additions.

Until our next post.....ciao.